Pa-dad

So I was teasing Richard in the begining that we had to come up with something other than Richard to call him, Since he thinks of himself as the ultimate "Red Neck" (Richard if you read this, you have to realize red necks don't listen to Bach or go to the symphany for fun, so technically even if you want a gun rack for the truck........) I started calling him Pa and had the kids call him Pa. To be honest I just wanted to annoy him. It didn't really work because he just smiled at us all. So today Audrey and I were taking Richard a computer and lunch to work. Audrey was talking about carrying Richard lunch and said Not Richard, Pa-dad. I laughed, kids are so good at expressing themselves. Audrey enjoyed running around outside and refused to get into the car so we got to spend a few minutes outside. Richard finished up lecture and came out to give Audrey some hugs and tickles while we enjoyed the sunshine. Spontanously Audrey told Richard, "Pa-Dad, I love you!" and ran around the statue at Heritage University again. When we got in the car and started to pull around Audrey started shouting "Pa, Pa, Pa, I will miss you" she then started to get upset because, he couldn't hear her. So we pulled around so she could say, "Pa-Dad, I will miss you."
We always called Greg, Daddy when he was alive so I am careful to still call Greg, Daddy. Audrey is very aware that he is in heaven and will say to others, my daddy, or sometimes, daddy Greg is in heaven. I am grateful that Richard continues to honor Greg as their daddy. I think for some men it would be hard to do. For Nicholas and Madison, we have deeper conversations about Richard's role in their lives, that he would like to be their Dad. I feel comfortable in saying that Greg is happy that there is someone willing to do things for them that he would do if he was here. In the hospital we called it "doing the dad things". For children that can be a huge source of worry when someone is sick and not home or is going to pass away soon. One of question is inevidably who is going to do the things, that the parent would have. At the time we had a wonderful friend, Marc and Uncle Dan "doing the dad things". Since we moved away from our home in Stevenson it has been hard. My Father is around but is busy working and building our house, and my younger brother work fulltime and has a family of his own so life get's very busy.
Nicholas was a bit upset with me last night, I got home from a soccer game(my own, I attempted to play it is pretty laughable) and I went in to give him a kiss. I had apparently interupted Man Time with Richard. Nicholas was voicing his complaint and desire for more man time when i said you will see him tomorrow and you can have man time then. Only today did I realize what a silly thing this is to tell a child who's parent has passed. I probably told Nicholas something to the same nature the night Greg went to the hospital and nothing was ever the same.
How lucky we are to love again. The children and I. We now have two wonderful men that love us. However that means we have two wonderful men to miss now. Audrey would wrap her arms around me when Iwould come home from the hospital(and continued to do when I started school) whispering in my ear "I miss you, when your gone."
I have a tendancy to worry about the what if's. I can actually scare myself silly with them sometimes. I also tend to go over scenarios of what WONT work instead of what can work. I think this must be a symptom of not giving my life into God's hands. I must be a bit deludided to think of what ifs and what wonts, like I actually have any control over this thing called Life. Oh and like ALL Mormons, I have a well established guilt meter that has become more and more sensitive with each child born. And since I have had an epiphany of telling Nicholas he can have man time later, I will feel guilt telling Nicholas there is always tomorrow. But I really have got to relearn to trust, that there will be a tomorrow and have faith that if tomorrow doesn't come God will help me duck and roll with the punches.